Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Internal/external harmony

i can feel the front moving in. The dropping pressure is ringing in my ears, making my scars ache and my knee feel tender. The temperature is dropping, and the skies are heavy and overcast. We're expecting our first snow and freezing rain tonight, and I'm planning on making a big pot of vegetarian chili and a pan of cornbread to bide us through the cold night. Despite that it has me feeling my age, I'm almost looking forward to the inclement weather. I'll cancel any driving if ice appears, dig out even more quilts and burrow my way into my book. I'm currently re-reading Brave New World. Dystopian nightmares suit me now. My mood is foul and in my selfishness, I want the atmosphere to reflect that. I want to hide until I can change my mood.

I don't like being a bitch, but lately that seems to be the only way I can accomplish anything. What I see as friendly and pleasant others must vew as coming across like a big patsy with a take advantage of me sign on my forehead. It's only when I'm brusque that I get treated with common courtesy and a modicum of respect. Life would be much easier if I just didn't care, but I'm not built that way.

So an inward retreat is in order. I'll let the bad weather be my treat, my chance to restore and renew myself. Others can be inconvenienced and rage against the ice, but I'll enjoy it with the kind of post-canary cat grin that can drive people crazy. Let them wonder what I'm up to. It's somebody else's, anybody else's turn to feel off-balance.

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1 Comments:

Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Some people have a calmness about them that commands respect. I have always admired that; unfortunately, I have often gotten angry and frustrated in the ways you describe. I think there is a deeper cause--that shadow where we stuff all the stuff we don't want to deal with. I'm sending good thoughts your way, Cynthia.

February 02, 2007 10:04 PM  

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