The weekly weigh in, week 19

i've really hoped that I would never have to write this entry. I didn't weigh in. I didn't make it to my meeting. I didn't count points for most of the week, and I know that I overindulged. All I can say is that I thought about it a lot. Like in everything else, thoughts are nice, but actions are what makes the difference. I was hoping/planning to go to the last meeting of the week this morning but woke up too late to make it in time. Writing this entry is the one dieting discipline I cannot give up this week. I have to hold onto something.

I've gone on so many diets over the years that I know my danger signals. If I don't pick up the discipline today, I'm at real risk of gaining back everything I've lost and more. I've done well in building better eating habits over the last four months, but I've got a lifetime that I'm trying to change. It would be too easy to slip back into the old habits.

That's exactly what I did this week. I let my crowded schedule push taking one minute after each meal to write down what I ate off the agenda. I'm tired of constantly putting my diet in the face of my friends, family and co-workers as if they're supposed to constantly accomodate what I need to do or compliment me on my progress. I do know that's silly. I love the compliments but don't expect them all the time. My writing down what I eat after my meals doesn't really inconvenience anybody, but those are still the emotions I have to face. I let feeling a bit draggy after the flu get in the way of planning my meals ahead of time. I ate out too much and ate too many frozen dinners which just get boring. My one potential saving grace this week is that they were Weight Watchers frozen dinners.

Losing weight really isn't physically hard for me. I really thought being older than the last time I tried a formal diet meant I would see my body trying harder to hold on to the weight, but that hasn't happened. Emotionally though, dieting and losing weight is very hard. I've separated the two because they each have their own separate issues. The results of a diet are thrilling, but the process itself is very boring, and I have a huge problem with boredom. I just won't stick with something boring. I have some fear and comfort issues with food, and I have to face those with every meal if I let myself think about the meal. Doing this diet well means I have to think about food, and I can't hide from those issues.

There's also the responsibility of being a good role model to my daughter. She may be the picture of glowing health right now, but I can never forget that she is bulimic and anorexic. Though I need to lose weight, and she does not, I'm still showing her that losing weight is a good and exciting thing. She knows that I'm thinking about food and weight a lot of the time, and if I don't watch my comments carefully, I can trigger her into doing the same thing. What teenager doesn't want to add a good and exciting thing to her life, something that brings praise and even gifts, especially when it's something that's pretty easy for her? The line between the discipline necessary to do a long term diet and the unhealthy obsession that leads to starvation and death is a fine one. I'm grateful that we communicate well enough to know that I've flirted with this line, even crossed it a time or two. My weight loss hasn't been the easiest thing for her to handle, but so far, she's done well. She's proud of me, but we both know this shadow is there.

I also can't hide from planning, an essential part of keeping healthy foods and interesting meals part of my diet. Part of the duality of my nature means loving to plan. I don't want to give up my Palm, my Daytimer, my lists, but I just don't want to organize every day. There are some days I just want to float and see what comes my way. There has to be a balance point that I just haven't found in here somewhere yet.

Really embracing this weight loss and the process of doing it means that I have to give up some delusions. There's so much real size discrimination out there that it's easy to write off my own personal shortcomings to someone disliking fat people. I can point the accusing finger outward rather than inward. Did I prepare enough for that presentation, dress well enough, speak well enough, answer questions well enough or did they just automatically turn off because of my size? Is it my personality that's too quirky for easy social relations or like a relative told me once, does this person just not have any fat friends? Both sides are very real, and figuring out which is the reality for each situation is crazy making. It's very easy for me to be a hermit, and being fat is a great way to isolate yourself. You can see people diverting their eyes and faces from you. Losing weight means I'm losing some of my invisibility, and I'm torn between the consequences of each side.

This last issue may sound silly, but I'm still going to include it. I'm used to being well dressed and receiving compliments on my clothing. I guess people really don't expect a fat woman to wear things other than stretch pants and oversize sweatshirts. I bought a few new outfits a month ago, and they're getting too big already. All of my suit jackets are hanging off of me now, and I haven't found a good tailor yet who can take them in. Even my feet have gotten smaller, and I'm sliding around inside my shoes. I feel sloppy all the time, and I hate it. I think this weekend, I'm going to hit a consignment shop and hope they have something in my size. I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothing that I won't be wearing long, but I need a reminder and reward for my progress, and a motivator to keep me on track. At the same time, giving myself a reward on the week that I've done so poorly just feels wrong.

I have my breakfast in front of me, a beautiful navel orange, an English muffin with butter substitute spray and sugar free blackberry preserves, and a no fat cappucino that didn't come from a mix. It's healthy. It's visually appealing. It's filling. It beats the heck out of a McDonald's sausage burrito, but part of me is wishing I had just gone through the drive-through. It's not going to be an easy day.

weight loss, Weight Watchers, diet