Saturday, December 09, 2006

The big crash

I knew this would happen when I took the xanax last night, but the panic attack was so severe that I knew I needed it. Despite really appreciating the mellow, nothing's going to bother me feeling that anti-anxiety meds bring, I always feel just tremendously sad the following day. It doesn't help that I've had to go several days without my anti-depressants. No matter how many days in advance I let my doctor's office know that I'm about run out of a prescription, there's always a lag in getting it filled because of bureaucratic delays.

The sun is brilliant this morning. There's this sparkling frost on everything. My home is warm, and an adorable kitten is snuggling and purring on my chest. I ought to appreciate this, but instead, blah. One day without prozac is no big deal. Neither is two days. On the third day, I can tell that I'm starting to worry. On the fourth, anxiety kicks in. On the fifth, I feel like my life is totally pathetic and I'm a sham for thinking otherwise on the good days. That was yesterday.

Between fluxing levels of serotonin and estrogen this week, my life has held a risk comparable to jumping out of an airplane without the adrenaline and endorphin payoff. My prescription finally came in late yesterday afternoon, and I gobbled my pill down last night, unfortunately after I'd already hit the ground. While I was swallowing, I was also thinking what a weak person I was for needing it in the first place. This morning, I'm still deep into the funk and dreading the effort of building myself back up again. It's not easy, and this is a time for prayer, for exercise and feet planted, back braced, white knuckle determination. I know I'm poised on the slippery slope. A one time crash I can handle, the long, debilitating slide I can't and won't.

anxiety, depression, anti-depressants, insurance

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Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Hang in there Cynthia ~

December 09, 2006 1:54 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

I am pissed off about this "lag" in getting your prescriptions refilled. Psycho-active meds are nothing to fool around with...and they are nothing to stop taking "cold turkey" because your doctor's office is lame. And they should know that. Who do I call to raise a ruckus? I do NOT like them playing games with my friend's health. Grrrrrrrr!

December 09, 2006 9:46 PM  
Blogger Jod{i} said...

OH Cyn, our own perceptions of ourselves....weak? I find strength in your words, even when you may be struggling with feeling weak.
We have a more difficult time when we are forced in landing, and taking that inventory...I get this.
Unfortunately that which assists you wasnt available. It is far from a weakness....Dear friend, it is strength alone you being able to admit you need and do so any other day. It is those who wont admit and continue through life without.
Take your time, and remember what a beautiful soul you are, inbewtween those battles with yourself....

You will take flight again...


December 10, 2006 6:30 AM  
Blogger Virginia said...

Depression is a medical condition justs like any other, and needing a medication to address it is not a sign of weakness any more than my having to take anti-cholesterol meds is a sign of a character flaw for me. You shouldn't have to wait for the meds.

Peace, Virginia

December 10, 2006 8:23 AM  
Blogger ren.kat said...

I'm so sorry- I know how hard it is to balance. Got my own lithium/coffee/alcohol issues. You sound like you're doing the talking you need to hear :-)

December 10, 2006 10:41 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Just a more difficult time of year for all. My counseling practice is never so busy as it is in December. Here in the Boston area it is cold and dark. It can be lonely, introspective and not all it's cracked up to be..festivity wise !! Sending a hug and smile..

December 10, 2006 8:20 PM  
Blogger Shelina said...

Someone already said it, but using medication does not make you weak. Depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. You wouldn't feel weak if you took medication for a broken leg would you?
I think it might be time to ask for a refill now, since it takes you so long to get one!

December 11, 2006 6:36 AM  

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