Sunday, April 02, 2006

Winding down the rant

I've written before about how I fear anger, and this week has served as an excellent reminder about why I do. I fear anger because I enjoy it too damn much, and I'm awfully good at it. Anger is the genie in the bottle for me. It's a tricky creature, and once it's out of the bottle, it doesn't want to go back in.

In short, I've been a real bitch. It was fun for awhile, but I'm tired of it.

The thing that I really enjoy about letting my anger loose is the energy and vitality it generates. That energy stays with me for a while. I think faster on my feet. I'm wittier. I feel less need to mull things over and can make decisions more quickly. The big "but" though is that it takes my tendency to be hypersensitive and kicks it into overdrive. My judgment is skewed to focusing more on the short term than the long term results. My anger won't stay within its originally defined boundaries and spills over to people and situations that don't deserve it. At the same time, I'm very aware of that last consequence and can come across as completely two faced to the anger targeted people in my life who then see the sweet, charming me come out with others.

I want to keep the energy and banish the meanness. Anger feels very focused, and I like that, but in reality, it obscures what's really happening, coloring everything with its own hue. I want clarity and accuracy, not just sharp edged perceptions. As much as I'm enjoying this feeling of being prepared to take on anything that comes my way, I miss my normal gentleness. I miss my calm. When I come down from the heights of anger, I'm wiped out and drained. It only makes sense, you can't have the high without the low.

I'm smart enough to know that anger turned inward results in depression. I've had enough of that, thank you. I don't want to sour everything around me by staying in this state of simmering choler. I want to leash my rage beast and train it to be used when I need it. I want to find another way to keep my energy at anger's heights. I'm sure this is connected to my recent inspiration to go forward boldly. Anger does take courage and decisiveness, but I think I need more of the latter two and less of the former. That may be the trick I'm looking for.


Blogger TJ said...

LOL! I am feeling this one!

April 02, 2006 11:10 AM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

Could it be that some of what you are interpreting as "anger" in your life is really the courage and decisiveness you are looking for? It can be confusing for a normally gentle person to experience strong emotions. And to sort out the different threads of those emotions. The positive threads may not be anger at all.

April 03, 2006 9:44 AM  

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