Saturday, April 29, 2006

Am I complaining or figuring things out?

I have spent my week doing what I needed to do, and it's been absolutely miserable. Basically, after another fall, I gave up, put my legs ups, took my medication and let some healing take place. I can walk somewhat normally now and it rarely hurts, but damn, it came at such a cost.

I have a stack of paperwork on my desk that I promised I would take care of weeks ago. I'm behind at work. My house is a disaster. I don't remember the last time I cooked and ate a decent meal. The homemade pimento cheese salad does not count. My brain has been fed with little but TV and a novel I just can't seem to care about, but still want to finish. Bah, I hate when I do this to myself. I know that I needed to take care of this knee, but I needed to take take care of everything else as well. This isn't that nasty voice of perfectionism that likes to haunt me so. This isn't some desire to be Superwoman. This is just the basic need to keep my life from tumbling down on top of me.

How do people do it? I just don't get it. Either I'm in hyper-organized mode with a severely tailored agenda that lets me get things done or I'm awash in chaos. What's been one of the most annoying things for me is that I haven't felt any desire to write at all. I've felt an obligation, a fear that if I didn't keep up the practice of daily writing that I'd let it drop. I know the cost of that and can't let it happen again. What's been the scariest thing is knowing what a week of not working does to my income. It's not just one week's missed pay. It's missing the opportunities that develop my future income. I could be behind a month, possibly more, because of this one week. Argh.

Being a world class procrastinator, I've worked hard to develop a sense of urgency in my life, to act immediately on things rather than delaying them. I've had a certain amount of success with that, but I think I need to reframe it somehow. I think I need to replace urgency with something less stress and panic inducing. Part of this has been motivated by the need to live consciously in the moment, but stress is rather counter-productive to that goal. I just don 't know what to replace urgency with. I'll figure it out. I'll probably mess up the replacement, but I think that's part the process. Maybe building a life is like sculpting. You chip away until the truth in the stone and the life emerges. It takes endurance, and that word for me is as negative as urgency. I don't know the word or concept that I need to reframe my desire to act now and live now, but I know I have to look for it.


Blogger Wil said...

Sounds like you're ready for that popular mantra of middle age:


April 29, 2006 10:06 AM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Maybe Wil is right. This middle part is SO MESSY.

April 29, 2006 8:38 PM  
Blogger Vicky said...

Are you complaining or figuring things out? Ain't nothing wrong with a bit o' both! We have no opportunity for reflection today. Not if we want to get everything done. So everything doesn't get done. Oh well.

Good luck with this process, my dear. Painful, but necessary.

Love, V

April 30, 2006 12:54 AM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

It's been my experience that organization and accomplishment come with engagement. Involvement. Loving what I do, and doing what I love. Easy to tell about, not easy to re-create.

May 01, 2006 11:58 PM  
Blogger V said...

Sounds like you`re on the right track!

May 02, 2006 3:03 PM  

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