Thursday, April 20, 2006

Politely declining

Hurting, tired of putting my usual brave face on everything, I let myself literally moan once tonight. It didn't help, so I didn't repeat. I found one half of a pain pill from an old prescription, added a xanax and have finally received a respite from the knee. I just don't like the way that it makes the rest of the mind and body feel.

Wiped out from turning on the extroversion all week, I retreated into silence tonight and basically just said no to every request I've received tonight. I haven't been bitchy for a nice change of pace, but I've simply refused to take care of the little needs that the family expects me to attend. That has felt selfishly good, and I, of course, have had some twinges of guilt. They were just twinges though, and I've let them pass.

All of this has left me with a strange combination of feelings -- the torpor of medication, a need for silence and solitude that could easily turn to anger if it's not met, an anxiety about the activities and travel waiting me tomorrow, frustration that I'm hopelessly ill prepared for what we have to do. The womanchild's Destination ImagiNation team is going to the state finals tomorrow. I don't know where our hotel is located yet. I don't know where the college is where the competition will be held. I haven't packed. I haven't done the laundry. All I know is when I have to be at these places I can't find yet, that I still have to work tomorrow, and somehow I will manage to get everything together.

If it were all up to me, I'd still hit the road tomorrow, but I'd do it alone. I'd like a weekend in a cabin on a lake somewhere, just me, a short stack of books and a notebook, and a walking stick. Makeup, carefully coordinated attire, the Palm and Daytimer would be left behind. I'd want a place private enough to let off a scream or two without worrying anyone and where my appearance doesn't matter. I want a place where I can skip stones on the water's surface. I want a place where I can build a small fire and stare into the flames. I want a place where I can see hawks and owls flying.

I don't fully understand my attraction to these predators, but it's there. I'm a woman who loves my softness and for whom emotional peace and comfort are highly held values, but I'm drawn to these birds of hunting acumen, symbols of war and wisdom. I love their power, poise and grace. I love that they're beautiful and not cute. Whenever I see an owl or a hawk in flight, it's a vicarious experience of freedom without apology. Seeing those words, instead of just hearing in them in my head, has brought me around to something yet again. I love their boldness.

I know that I can't have my private excursion, not yet. Responsibilities must be met. I must be practical. I have to order my day in a check off list progression to handle it all with a semblance of calm, instead of the panic that's just lurking (thanks to the medication) instead of building. I am not free, and I'm not sure I want all the solitude that comes with true freedom. Too much being alone is as dangerous for me as too many connections and obligations to other people.

I may not have a fire, but a candle dipped in frankincense oil is burning on my desk. The fragrance is as soft as a dream, and the candlelight is dancing on my ball of calcite. Thunder is off somewhere in the distance and a hint of ozone is coming through the open window. A storm is lurking tonight, and I'm glad it's outside instead of inside me. I could be hectic and hurried tonight, but I'm simply refusing. Tomorrow will be soon enough.


Blogger IndigoSunMoon said...

Oh sweetie...I wish you felt better. Bless your heart.
Love ya,

April 21, 2006 1:32 AM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

I think you deserve a foot rub.

April 21, 2006 1:37 AM  
Blogger Nelle said...

My left knee has been giving me a lot of problems. A trip to an orthopedist revealed that it's arthritis. He recommended physical therapy which I don't have the time or money for. I find that warm soaks and ibuprofen are all that help. I do find wearing heals seems to really make it worse. Have you thought of trying flats for awhile? Hope it improves soon. You NEED and deserve a break and I'm glad you are taking care of yourself.

April 21, 2006 6:02 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

I tell you what. You come here and we can go for a walk on the dike and look at the eagle, the ospreys, and the harriers. I have a propane fire in my backyard... :-]

April 21, 2006 6:08 PM  
Blogger Vicky said...

My dear, you do need some down time. And your dream of a cabin in the woods somewhere echoes mine. I "can relate," as they say. And my favorite birds are the hawks, too. We have red-tailed hawks circling overhead all the time. I love to see them.

Feel better, my friend.

April 21, 2006 11:40 PM  
Blogger Celeste said...

Sneak off and take that trip you so very much need.

April 22, 2006 7:52 AM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

How come everyone but me seems to have access to Xanax??????

April 22, 2006 9:21 AM  
Blogger Celeste said...

What say we head to Spearfish, South Dakota? That's my "get away in my head place". It's wonderful. Peaceful Life, an amazingly frigid stream to cool off in...just lovely. ;) C.

April 22, 2006 1:38 PM  

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