Justification

When I first saw this topic, I knew I was going to have a difficult time with it. I've been met with a lot of criticism in my life, and it's made me a bit defensive. I hate having to justify myself and my life. The real question is why I allow myself to feel like I have to.

The disease that runs in my family is perfectionism. I've seen generation after generation of the women in my family flog themselves trying to achieve the elusive ideal. I know that I suffer from it, and unfortunately I've passed on some of those traits to my daughter. My form of perfectionism is the mutated virus though. I'm going to be honest. I envy Martha Stewart who seems to pull everything, including being convicted of a crime and sent to jail, with elan. I look at the air brushed fantasies in the magazines and think that should be what my body/style/grooming/food/exercise program looks like. I absolutely hate not knowing something. Give me a challenge, and I'll do my best to rise to the occasion. Classic perfectionism.

Here's where it mutated though. I've never thought I could achieve it, but I was never able to eliminate the desire or the guilt because I couldn't. I have enough self-confidence to try certain things and enough self-doubt to just give up on others. "Oh, I'd never be able to do that" is a refrain that has gone through my head more times than I could count. On so many things, I quit before I even get started, because I question my ability to get the desired results. I know I've shut myself off from things that I really wanted. Other things, which bore the fire out me, I've poured a ton of time and energy into because I knew these were areas in which I'd be judged. My lack of interest and expectation of negative judgment combined to help me do a half assed job which brought about both the drudgery and judgment I feared. Another classic -- the self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm tired of it. I'm beyond being tired of it. The other day when I was asked yet one more overly personal question, I felt that feeling I fear more than any other start to bubble up. Instead of shutting it down immediately, I let it rise, and I got good and angry. I turned to a friend who'll always listen when I need to vent. Anger is one of her strengths. She does it so well and with so much style, it's impressive. I replayed the conversation as best as I could, and she started asking me a few questions that I should have asked the person who ticked me off. I'd never thought of them, and they were things I need to know. I finally saw that the person who was sitting in judgment on me needed to justify their actions to me. I can't tell you how liberating that felt.

I've always felt that if people could just understand the motivations behind a behavior we could get along much more peacefully. Some people don't want to understand. Others just want to use that process against a person. It's time I dropped that naive illusion. What I can pick up in its place is that someone doesn't have to like me or approve of my life, but I can still require that I be treated with respect. No further explanations should be necessary.

I know that this is going to be one of those life issues that will involve some backward steps as well as forward ones. That's part of any process. However, I am ready now to say that the only justification I want to provide is that which aligns the words on my page.

Jodi suggested the topic of justification.