Saturday, September 03, 2011

Too many feelings

I don't know if it's cabin fever, prescription painkillers or hormones leaving my system, or what, but I'm just a big old emotional mess today. I've had a mini panic attack, became so sad I just had to cry for awhile and been so mentally scattered I couldn't center myself enough to meditate or pray. I feel raw and easily bruised and want to pull deep inside myself. I want to wear my hardest shell, but I don't really.

What I want is to feel some joy, enthusiasm and energy. I want to be vibrant, dynamic, interesting, charming and charismatic.

I'd settle, at least for the moment, for not feeling like a failure who's wasted her life and is a burden on her family.

I recently read that the chemicals that cause emotion leave a person's body within 90 seconds. After that brief moment, staying engaged in that emotion is a choice, not a reaction to either external or internal stimuli. I don't remember choosing anything, and that feels like a failure of consciousness and awareness. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't guilty about everything today, even my very existence.

I'm glad I got the anti-depressants refilled today. I don't want to imagine how much worse this would be with less serotonin in my system. I've done at least one thing right today. Once again, I'm telling myself that has to be good enough for now.

5 Comments:

Blogger Robin said...

{{{{{Cyn}}}}}

September 03, 2011 10:05 PM  
Blogger marigolds2 said...

Cynthia - I can identify with so much of this, and since I can, I feel okay to do something I wouldn't if I weren't all too familiar with feeling exactly as you describe - ask you if you are getting any exercise at all? It may sound simplistic in the extreme, but exercise is the very best answer to just about all my emotional problems. And I am often just one big ball of emotional problems. Just walking out the door and keeping on going for about half an hour may help - and the more often you do it the more it helps. You don't have to join a gym or do any serious working-out - just walking regularly and briskly will make a big difference. Yoga also helps me, it focuses and centers me and while I'm doing it I can't think or feel anything except what I'm doing. You can begin yoga in any sort of shape. There's bound to be classes for beginners in your area, even free ones.
Please know I'm not lecturing or preaching, just sharing the best road to feeling like a human being that I know. It's hardest to get up and out and do it when you feel the worst (panic attacks, crying for no visible reason, feeling mentally scattered and shattered - all entirely familiar to me) but if you can put on the shoes and go out the door you will be surprised at the results. Perhaps not right away, every time, but yes, sometimes even so - sometimes right away I feel better, even if only slightly.

September 04, 2011 7:22 AM  
Blogger Shayne McDaniel said...

As Marigolds said exercising is a simple way to help bring some balance and make you feel better emotionally.

A simple 20 - 30 minute walk will lift your spirits, and if done consistently over a week you will see definite improvements in your mood.

Its something about not being active that for some reason affects your mood.

September 11, 2011 10:52 AM  
Blogger Gigi said...

Once again, I am completely devoid of encouraging words. But 3 cheers for anti-depressants, and the mercy that is serotonin! :)

I absolutely concur with what everyone's said about exercise. When you are physically able (& I know it may be a while after the surgery)I hope you'll make yourself take that walk, move that beautiful bod! I haven't been able to lately, and I can feel the difference in my attitude. It's a chemical thing. I'm thinking maybe tomorrow; I know how much good it can do. If we can just bring ourselves to do it once, it becomes addictive. <3

September 12, 2011 1:35 AM  
Blogger the Nest Keeper said...

surgical menopause overnight reeks havoc on the bod and brain and heart. Being a woman is over-rated sometimes....

September 16, 2011 8:11 PM  

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