Too many feelings
What I want is to feel some joy, enthusiasm and energy. I want to be vibrant, dynamic, interesting, charming and charismatic.
I'd settle, at least for the moment, for not feeling like a failure who's wasted her life and is a burden on her family.
I recently read that the chemicals that cause emotion leave a person's body within 90 seconds. After that brief moment, staying engaged in that emotion is a choice, not a reaction to either external or internal stimuli. I don't remember choosing anything, and that feels like a failure of consciousness and awareness. I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't guilty about everything today, even my very existence.
I'm glad I got the anti-depressants refilled today. I don't want to imagine how much worse this would be with less serotonin in my system. I've done at least one thing right today. Once again, I'm telling myself that has to be good enough for now.