Monday, August 15, 2011

Question #3

What do you consider to be the big question or conundrum of your life?

That is Robin's third question. It's one hell of a question, and I had very good reason to be scared about answering it. I've known the answer to this for a long, long time, and I don't like it. The easy answer is that I'm stuck. I can put it a lot of different ways. I've misplaced my mojo. I've lost my groove. I got confused or scared or tired or overwhelmed or lazy. I was defeated, or did I surrender? Probably some combination of all of the above.

With the few people who still read my blog, I don't have to rehash everything that got me to this point. Y'all know it's been a decade long stretch now of illnesses, deaths, losses, some bad decisions, some necessary but painful decisions and just general changes for the worse that have left me literally sick, tired, poor, alone and figuratively disconnected on intellectual, emotional and spiritual levels. I like to think that I've fought a good fight, but I'm just not getting anywhere.

I feel powerless, and I don't like it. I know that I need to change. I have both memories and dreams of how life can be, but I'm absolutely clueless about what to do to get out of the position I'm in. When I get a hint about what I need to do, I muddle about until I'm hip deep in procrastination and panic. I've even wondered if I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself.

For example, the day before the last scheduled date for the hysterectomy, I had an appointment for my dog to be put to sleep. That morning, the womanchild called and said her roommates would let her keep him. She then drove three hours to pick up Zorro, and to meet her, I rescheduled an errand running job that would earn me a few bucks. I had to work to have the gas money to make the drive to the Nashville area for the surgery. After I finished that, my oil light came on, and I had to have a last minute oil change. When I finally hit the road, I got stuck behind two tractor-trailer wrecks, and a three hour drive became five hours. It was obviously not a good day, but I was supposed to drink two bottles of a laxative that day, and I forgot. Everything I did that day I absolutely had to do, but what would actually help me accomplish a bigger goal got lost in everything else. Similar events happen often enough that I'd have to be completely blind not to notice.

I don't want to be the turtle on its back. I want to get back on my feet and moving forward on my own power. Right now, it just feels like I'm flailing, and that is my conundrum.


Blogger Robin said...

I just read a review of The Help in which the woman who plays Abilene talks about how lost Abilene was after her son died and how Skeeter rings forth a new purpose in her life.

Perhaps we, your AOL writing companions, could be Skeeter for you.

August 15, 2011 7:28 AM  
Blogger Gigi said...

One (of the many things) that I have to remind myself of now, is that not every day is about the accomplishment of a larger goal; some days are meant to be about just doing the things that you 'absolutely have to' do.

In truth, some days the accomplishment is just getting through the day.

It's not a lofty goal, and it does feel failure. I wish I could be more upbeat, but sadly, this is what passes for encouragement from me right now: if you can get through a day doing the things you absolutely have to do and still have the hopefulness that tomorrow you can do more, that is a kind of success. You survived, and moved a little forward, even if imperceptively. You're not a turtle on it's back. You're just a turtle. :) For now. Me too.

August 17, 2011 12:30 AM  
Blogger teddylynnbelle said...

I too sometimes in life, I take 3 steps forward and then 2 steps back. Its slow progress, but I try to remember that the one step is progress. Ive learned that sometimes its ok to just be still. And I also keep in my mind, slow and steady wins the race! Like the turtle. I am still following your blog. I havent commented, but I do love the way you write. Ill be here to listen when you have something to say.!

August 21, 2011 9:29 PM  
Blogger seethroughfaith said...

bless you ... flailing isn't easy but it IS a time you can grab hold of 'Jesus with skin on' his disciples :)

August 24, 2011 12:53 AM  

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