That is Robin's third question. It's one hell of a question, and I had very good reason to be scared about answering it. I've known the answer to this for a long, long time, and I don't like it. The easy answer is that I'm stuck. I can put it a lot of different ways. I've misplaced my mojo. I've lost my groove. I got confused or scared or tired or overwhelmed or lazy. I was defeated, or did I surrender? Probably some combination of all of the above.
With the few people who still read my blog, I don't have to rehash everything that got me to this point. Y'all know it's been a decade long stretch now of illnesses, deaths, losses, some bad decisions, some necessary but painful decisions and just general changes for the worse that have left me literally sick, tired, poor, alone and figuratively disconnected on intellectual, emotional and spiritual levels. I like to think that I've fought a good fight, but I'm just not getting anywhere.
For example, the day before the last scheduled date for the hysterectomy, I had an appointment for my dog to be put to sleep. That morning, the womanchild called and said her roommates would let her keep him. She then drove three hours to pick up Zorro, and to meet her, I rescheduled an errand running job that would earn me a few bucks. I had to work to have the gas money to make the drive to the Nashville area for the surgery. After I finished that, my oil light came on, and I had to have a last minute oil change. When I finally hit the road, I got stuck behind two tractor-trailer wrecks, and a three hour drive became five hours. It was obviously not a good day, but I was supposed to drink two bottles of a laxative that day, and I forgot. Everything I did that day I absolutely had to do, but what would actually help me accomplish a bigger goal got lost in everything else. Similar events happen often enough that I'd have to be completely blind not to notice.
I don't want to be the turtle on its back. I want to get back on my feet and moving forward on my own power. Right now, it just feels like I'm flailing, and that is my conundrum.