Monday, February 15, 2010


I blame it on Salinger and the liturgical calendar, but for the last several days I've had two thoughts that will not leave me alone.

My spiritual life in the last couple of years has been at one of its lowest points. Coincidentally (as I've rather belabored here) conflict, poor health, loss, death and grief have dominated my days. Some people find that their spirituality grows in challenging times. I used to think of myself as one of those people, but I've found that I'm most assuredly not. I remember though what that relationship with God/dess was like, and I miss it sorely. My mind has gone repeatedly to my mountaintop experiences when I knew I was connected indelibly to the Divine, and it has created a deep hunger to know that present assurance again. I crave that mountaintop. I've been there. I need it. Not having been there in so long made me identify so strongly with Franny that I keep re-reading Zooey's advice.

I've also been reading the sermons of my online preacher friends for Transfiguration Day, and though this was not the only lesson I learned, I've been reminded that the apostles had to climb a mountain to witness Jesus' transfiguration. That was a bit of a kick in the pants. I know that I need one of those every now and then, but I've never enjoyed the experience.

That led to my other recurring thought which isn't so much a thought but a scrap of a Bible verse, "...the kingdom of heaven is within you." As a natural introvert, I know that before I've found my closest connection to God/dess by going deep inside myself. Somewhere in that process I've left myself behind and found the Holy Spirit.

That's gotten harder. I've had to fight my introspective nature to not get sucked into all the emotional muck and just drown in it. That ability to go beyond myself when I turn inward seems to have escaped me, yet, I fear that this is the mountain I must climb if my spiritual connection, the essence of my life, is to be restored.

It's a bit daunting. I don't want to go through all the garbage to get into what is real, good and life giving. I'm afraid of how I'll react. I worry I won't have the strength to persist. I'll have to depend on Divine grace. I know that consciously experiencing grace is one of those mountaintop moments, but I feel so disconnected I wonder if it's even possible any more. My lack of faith disappoints and maddens me.

Though this sounds very negative, it's really not. I've clearly identified something that I need and want. I've relearned I am not myself without consciously seeking God. This is a big step in reshaping my life from what it has been to what it can be. As scary as it might be, I'm going to trust that I'm really not alone.


Blogger marigolds2 said...

No, this is far from a negative post. I am surprised by how what you are saying here resonates with things I have been feeling.I started working on a Fat Tuesday post yesterday, which I may or may not finish, that has some of the same overtones. Not in terms of faith - I don't know that I'll ever have what might be called "faith" in my life again - but in other ways. To deeply know what you said here, that you're not yourself "without consciously seeking God" is to begin the journey, and being on the journey is ultimately what it's all about. This is a very positive post, in fact.

February 16, 2010 11:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree.

February 19, 2010 1:54 AM  
Blogger Robbie said...

I'm agnostic so take my two cents for what it is worth. If you want to experience the 'monster,' you've got to feed it. Otherwise, it dies. If you feel disconnected from your spiritual self it's probably because you haven't spent enough time with that part of you.

P.S. I got nothing negative out of this post and you really aren't alone. Good luck! :-)

February 20, 2010 11:41 AM  
Blogger redsneakz said...

Parallel lives, in many ways. In Judaism, we call it an "es ratzon," a moment of connection with the Divine Will. Seeking it is half the fun.

Oh, by the way, you are hereby tagged to post 10 things that bring you happiness. I know it's often dreadful to think of such things, but there you go. C'Mon, get happy.

February 21, 2010 9:46 AM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

I'm with you.

One of my seminary friends mentioned several days ago that one of our professors has said that he never finds God in the dark places of life; he is pretty much a mountaintop person. For him (as for me) God seems to vanish when life is at its lowest.

Of course then my friend said the he is "blessed to experience God's presence in both the lows and the highs" -- and I wanted to smack him!

February 22, 2010 6:20 AM  
Anonymous dream dictionary interpretation said...

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March 03, 2010 10:08 AM  

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