My spiritual life in the last couple of years has been at one of its lowest points. Coincidentally (as I've rather belabored here) conflict, poor health, loss, death and grief have dominated my days. Some people find that their spirituality grows in challenging times. I used to think of myself as one of those people, but I've found that I'm most assuredly not. I remember though what that relationship with God/dess was like, and I miss it sorely. My mind has gone repeatedly to my mountaintop experiences when I knew I was connected indelibly to the Divine, and it has created a deep hunger to know that present assurance again. I crave that mountaintop. I've been there. I need it. Not having been there in so long made me identify so strongly with Franny that I keep re-reading Zooey's advice.
I've also been reading the sermons of my online preacher friends for Transfiguration Day, and though this was not the only lesson I learned, I've been reminded that the apostles had to climb a mountain to witness Jesus' transfiguration. That was a bit of a kick in the pants. I know that I need one of those every now and then, but I've never enjoyed the experience.
That led to my other recurring thought which isn't so much a thought but a scrap of a Bible verse, "...the kingdom of heaven is within you." As a natural introvert, I know that before I've found my closest connection to God/dess by going deep inside myself. Somewhere in that process I've left myself behind and found the Holy Spirit.
That's gotten harder. I've had to fight my introspective nature to not get sucked into all the emotional muck and just drown in it. That ability to go beyond myself when I turn inward seems to have escaped me, yet, I fear that this is the mountain I must climb if my spiritual connection, the essence of my life, is to be restored.
It's a bit daunting. I don't want to go through all the garbage to get into what is real, good and life giving. I'm afraid of how I'll react. I worry I won't have the strength to persist. I'll have to depend on Divine grace. I know that consciously experiencing grace is one of those mountaintop moments, but I feel so disconnected I wonder if it's even possible any more. My lack of faith disappoints and maddens me.
Though this sounds very negative, it's really not. I've clearly identified something that I need and want. I've relearned I am not myself without consciously seeking God. This is a big step in reshaping my life from what it has been to what it can be. As scary as it might be, I'm going to trust that I'm really not alone.