Love song

All weekend, a song was playing over and over in my mind. I couldn't quite remember what it was. Simple, plaintive and hopeful, it was driving me crazy -- this beautiful tune whose name I couldn't recall and whose lyrics wouldn't come to me. Finally, I surrendered and started singing it out loud. Duhs and dums filled in for the words until they finally came back to their rightful place. Out of my mouth came,

"Well next time I ain't gonna fall on my knees
And come out of love empty-handed
But next time I'll be even harder to please
Oh when will the next time be
When will the next time be"

I had to both laugh and wince. The song is too perfect of a fit for me right now. My weary heart has taken a beating over the last few years. My separation came about because I'm finally learning to set the bar higher on how I will be treated. Love did drive me to my knees and left me almost literally empty handed. Yes, next time, if there is a next time, I will be harder to please.

I am a deceptively accessible person. It looks like I let people easily into my life, but I know that I've always been deeply guarded. I don't trust easily. I'm wary of getting hurt. I no longer have the stone walls erected that effectively kept people out. My boundaries now are more like a labyrinth of thick hedges. Yes, you can work your way into who I am through a multitude of twisting paths. Try to push through those hedges though, and you'll find them nearly impenetrable.

I realized though that despite my barriers and the temptation, I haven't given up on love. Nor do I want to. In fact my life is filled with love now; that maternal love so profound it's the only thing that keeps teenagers from being terminated, the buoying love of friends, the complicated love of family, the healing love of memories finding their rightful meaning and place, the perfect love of the Trinity, a growing love of myself. I give and receive all of this love. So, I guess that for me, the next time is now, loving and being in ways that aren't quite what I expected but are all good.

The song is Next Time by Dan Fogelberg from the Captured Angel album.

love