Tuesday, July 31, 2007

It's been a day

The husband just pulled out of the driveway with his truck loaded up. For the first time in 26 years, I honestly don't know when I'll see him again. For the last thirteen months, he's been just three miles away. We've spoken nearly daily, seen each other several times a week. His last words to me were, "I love you."

I believe him, and I still love him, just not the way a wife needs to love her husband. I know that continuing on as we have isn't good for either of us. I have friends in this multi-county, but I also feel like I just lost the only friend I have here in this town, and I'm feeling very alone. I just know that tonight is the end of ... something.

That could be a good thing, but right now, I need to feel this hurt. As is her style, the womanchild has pulled far, far away right now. I know she's dealing with something besides this as well, and the maternal urge to pull her close is strong, but I know she'd fight and resent it, and I need to respect the way she handles her feelings. We can be so much alike and so very different. Well, being a mother is just another one of those things that just isn't easy. Right now, I'm really wishing for just one thing in my life to get easy.

To make this day even brighter, I found out that I didn't get a job I wanted.

I'm feeling the losses, the mistakes and the failures. I know that they're not the only things in my life, but they're very present tonight. I know that I just need to buck up, square my shoulders, deal with things as they are and move forward, but not tonight. Tonight, I will mourn.



Blogger Theresa Williams said...

That's all gotta be hard on you. (((Cyn))). Hang in there.

August 01, 2007 12:01 AM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Cynthia, you (and your husband and daughter)will be close to my heart all the next week when I am not here to read and comment.

August 01, 2007 6:29 AM  
Blogger Cecilia said...


Pax, C.

August 01, 2007 2:57 PM  
Blogger Virginia said...

I'm sending you warm thoughts. You have had your fair share and more of challenges lately. I wish for you some peaceful time.

Peace, Virginia

August 01, 2007 8:55 PM  
Blogger Loz said...

Having gone through it all I can say is take it one day at a time, mourn when you need to, and eventually the pain will ease.

August 02, 2007 8:03 AM  
Blogger Nelle said...

Cynthia, One of the hardest things I had to face when my marriage ended was how I was grieving that my DREAM marriage never existed. It wasn't what I lost but what I had never had but had so longed for. Whatever happens you will be okay. All three of you will.

August 03, 2007 12:48 PM  

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