Saturday, June 30, 2007

What causes a sea change?

The last couple of days have presented a serious challenge for my family. Without going into great detail, we have been publicly betrayed and embarrassed by someone who apparently knows us well but hides behind a cloak of anonymity. I know that's vague enough to not make much sense, but it's not the main point.

I'm a person who has always placed too high a value on what other people have thought of me. As I have worked to both better how I think of myself and how highly I value my own opinion, I have worked on releasing my concern for other's opinions of me while maintaining trust in and caring for people. It's a fairly tricky balancing act.

I've finally fallen off the tightrope, and as with any fall from great heights, there has been breakage. Tonight, I am filled with rage, not a burning anger, but an arctic coldness. Instead of wanting to treat others as I would like to be treated, I'm wanting to treat others without regard for their consequences -- as I have been treated.

This is far removed from forgiving seventy times seven. That used to inspire me and now looks silly and naive. I feel like I've been infected by some toxin that changes one's very chemistry.

Langston Hughes wrote:

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
and then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

I know that it festers and runs, and can infect others. It definitely stinks. I know that this is one load I will no longer carry, and part of me would like to see fireworks set against a frozen sky.


Blogger emmapeelDallas said...

I love Hughes, but also Frost comes to mind here:

SOME say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Dunno what happened but I'm sorry. People can be stupid and cruel sometimes. Hang in there.


June 30, 2007 2:38 AM  
Blogger more cows than people said...

wow, two great poems. sounds like your probably not in the mood for a hug, but [(((((cyn)))] here's a hug in a box for later!

whatever happened... i'm so sorry.

June 30, 2007 6:49 AM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Oh Cyn, I am so sorry. I expect that today will be a difficult one, and I'll be thinking of you -- all of you.

June 30, 2007 7:16 AM  
Blogger Cecilia said...

Reading your post I caught your rage and chill... I want you to know that you are loved, valued, and that we who cannot understand now share your outrage.

((((Cynthia)))), as More Cows said, for later, when it might feel like something you want.

Pax, C.

June 30, 2007 9:46 AM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...


June 30, 2007 11:30 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

I don't know what happened, but it sounds crappy. And I just have to ask...WTF is the matter with people??!?! It's unfortunate that treating others as you would like to be treated is not a more popular philosophy.


July 04, 2007 12:09 AM  

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