Saturday, June 23, 2007

Baring it all

Today is my 47th birthday. I've never known whether to look at birthdays as the beginning or end of a year. At this age, they feel more like milestones of survival. With the way my last year has gone, I'm proud to have reached this one.

I do think of this as a year of survival. I've seen my career go into the toilet, and I've come to the realization that the jobs my experience has qualified me for are now going to women twenty years younger who don't have my level of skill but do look much better in a short skirt. That's really not as bitter as it sounds. It's helped me acknowledge that I really need to change careers for my own happiness. I'm tired of pushing myself to be extroverted and charming, when I'm truly an introvert who needs to own some of my lurking fatigue with people. Let the twenty somethings who still feel that internal drive and enthusiasm for the chase and the close get those type of jobs. I just need to get some strategies in place for being the truer version of myself, and a McJob to get me through.

I have finally learned how to care for myself again. I still have a lot of learning to do on this one, but I'm getting better. I love having a healthier body, and this coming year is going to have more of that.

This has been a year of upheaval. The things I've been able to take for granted simply aren't there anymore, mostly because I've either chunked them deliberately or screwed up and lost them. The amazing thing is that it's okay. I've found a will to keep going and trying and with heavenly grace and anti-depressants, my periods of depression have been short and manageable. Faith (even when I struggle for it, even when I question) and hope are my daily reality. So is strength. I can't ask for much more than that.

That's been the year that's come to an end today. What about the one that's beginning? Oh, the possibilities. I think it's time I pulled my favorite Dr. Seuss book out for a good re-read. Whatever this coming year holds for this over the hill southern belle, I'm going to meet it with honesty about myself and belief that I still have an exciting future ahead.

The way I was raised, a lady never revealed her age. She didn't show herself in public without makeup, and she sure as hell didn't reveal her emotional vulnerabilities. This may be why I'm the black sheep of my family. I'm doing all three here. I'm not going to complain about being 47. I think I still look pretty good completely barefaced. I'm not going to complain about feeling 47. I'll take this over how I felt at 27 when I could wear the short skirts with pride and flair but had no idea that anything other than black depression could be a normal daily life.

It's been a quiet, low key birthday which is right for me this year. The womanchild bought me a lovely present that cost more than she should have spent. I found out yesterday that I can probably replace my broken air conditioner/heat pump within the next couple of weeks. (Thank God/dess!) Now, if I could only get Alan Rickman or Hugo Weaving (their voices make me absolutely melt) to telephone and say, "Happy Birthday, Cynthia," I'd say it was just about a perfect day.


Blogger Jimmy said...

Well, I think with this kind of thinking, your birthday is a celebration of the year gone by; the accomplishments, the small victories, and the growth. I also get a real sense here, that you're looking forward to the coming year more than you have in quite a while, and that's great!

I'll see what I can do about Rickman or Weaving :)

June 23, 2007 9:22 PM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Happy Birthday, Cynthia! Great post. Yeah, that's what I say: leave all that bump and grind to the twenty-something's.

June 23, 2007 11:16 PM  
Blogger Charlene said...

Happy Birthday to you! Hope your new year holds all things bright and beautiful - your dreams come true!

June 24, 2007 12:14 AM  
Blogger more cows than people said...

If I had your phone number I'd sing into your voice mail, that's what I do for good friends and family on their birthdays- I'm not Alan Rickman though... so... a day late, let me say "Happy birthday, Cynthia!" I'm so glad you were born.

And you look GORGEOUS- pfft on the need for makeup and the need to hide our age and all such silliness.

May this year hold glistening possibilities and realities for you!

June 24, 2007 8:26 AM  
Blogger Robbie said...

Happy Birthday!!!

June 24, 2007 10:39 AM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

Cyn, this is part of a personology profile of you based on your birthday. It comes from a book given to me several years ago on my birthday:

Those born on June 23 are often taken up with love relationships, either those of others or their own. Indeed they value a close relationship with their mate above all else and do everything they can to enchant the other party or to be super-appreciative of their charms. It is the intensely magnetic feelings of being in love with so mesmerize these people. ...

"June 23 people are drawn to the enchantment of art, music and literature. It is always the splendid characters, the magical themes or orchestration, the enchanting colors and shapes which attract them. The arts often occupy a central position in their lives, as they are highly appreciative listeners, viewers and readers. Indeed, those born on this day frequently find such fascination in a character from a novel or an actor on the screen that it can temporarioy replace feelings for their loved one. ...

"Those born on June 23 who study human relationships categorize and arrange information their minds. They love to share their ideas, and have many wild and sacky theories about love and sex. ..."

Cyn, your day is called "The Day of Interpersonal Enchangment" and your meditation is: "In the realms of love, the power of choice is fully revealed."

Much love to you.

June 24, 2007 1:56 PM  
Blogger Theresa Williams said...

That's "wacky" theories. LOL!

June 24, 2007 7:15 PM  
Blogger Gannet Girl said...

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a joy it is to be your friend!

June 25, 2007 11:45 AM  
Blogger gigi said...

Happy Birthday, Girl!! I wish you much joy in this, the 7th year of your fabulous 40s. (For the record, you're not older than me. Alas. No one is older than me.)

Enjoy, my friend. And I like the sound of sacky theories about love and sex! ;D

June 25, 2007 5:24 PM  
Blogger alphawoman said...

Happy Birthday. You are not older than me either. Double sigh.

June 25, 2007 8:17 PM  
Blogger Lisa :-] said...

Dammit! I knew your BD was coming up, even planned to send a card. But I fell asleep in front of the 'puter while I was trying to pick one out...

Anyhow, Happy Belated BD to you. This one IS pretty exciting, eh?

June 26, 2007 12:57 AM  
Anonymous Alan Rickman said...

Happy Birthday, darling. You are smashing.


June 27, 2007 4:42 PM  
Blogger Cecilia said...

You are consistently an inspiration to me. Happy, happy (belated) birthday.

Pax, C.

June 27, 2007 4:45 PM  
Blogger emmapeelDallas said...


And you look GREAT without makeup, btw.


June 30, 2007 2:54 AM  

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