Winding down, gearing up
I've been looking forward to this day for several days now. It's my first free day after Christmas. I'm not scheduled to work. Holiday prep and travel are behind me. That thought brings a sigh of pleasure, even though the freedom is an illusion. My to do list is lengthy, and people do have claims on my time today, but for the greatest part, this is a day when I have choices. I can ignore the list or enjoy the results as each item is completed. That ability to choose what you want in your day or your life is delicious.
I've missed that feeling. For the longest time, I felt like I just had to accept what came my way, whether I liked it or not. That powerlessness felt awful, but it held lessons. What truly surprised was that I found that I have a knack for finding moments of peace, happiness and humor even when my head and heart seem filled with pain. These seemed to be reactions, and it's only in hindsight, that I can see they were choices. This was my "a-ha" moment. When I realized that I was already making choices, many of them good and strong, I accepted that I could make more. Even though, I'm still dealing with loss, hurt and unwanted changes in my life, possibility has returned.
Along with my Christmas shopping, I purchased myself a new organizer for the coming year. This one is sleek and trim, bright purple leather with 2010 on the cover, a big change from the old, heavy, black one with sections for everything. I opened it yesterday and began filling in the identification essentials and birthdays. I know that it looked very mundane on the outside, but inside was childish glee. So many things can fill these pages, and some of them are going to be fun.