An explanation

i feel compelled to comment about the entry I wrote yesterday because I don't want my friends to be concerned about me. I may be struggling a bit now, but I'm not suicidal. The struggle now is to make life better by adapting to the changes of the last year and creating some practical strategies for more positive changes I want to make in the future. I have hope and faith as well as confusion and stress now. This does wear on me sometimes, and I wear my emotions as openly in real life as I do in my blog. Honestly, who doesn't get ground down a bit by life? Some of us who manage depression show it more easily.

I wrote that entry in response to a writing prompt. In some ways, it was one of the easiest pieces of writing I've done in a long time. That sucker flew onto the keyboard, and when I went back to edit, I read it and said, "Damn, I'm not changing a single word." What I debated with myself was whether to post it or not. That was the really, really hard part. Did I want to reveal that much about myself? That post was brutally honest, and I wondered if people could handle that much honesty. After thinking it over, I decided it was important to post it. Much of what I write is trivial, and my biggest struggle as a writer is truly deciding what it is I must say. I respect myself as a writer. I know many of my weaknesses as a writer very well, but I also acknowledge with gratitude that I was a given a talent that should be used. Using it to say something significant only seems proper to me, and there are few things more important than saying that life is worth fighting for.

The pain in that post was very real, but it was viewed at safe distance through a zoom lens. I'm very far away from that place now. I'm taking my anti-depressants, or rather will be in a couple of days when the insurance lag between running out and available refill is over. I see a counselor regularly. As I've explained to physicians when they ask the standard questions before prescribing anti-depressants, I have the thoughts about suicide, but I don't have the desire. Those pictures come to me unbidden, and I have been given the courage and strength to look away.

Long time readers of my blog know that I am also the mother of a beautiful daughter who tried to commit suicide. The pain of her not wanting the life I helped give her has been the greatest pain in my life. There is no way I could do that now to the people who love me. For my newer readers, my lovely womanchild is also in a very strong, life embracing position in her life. My war against depression may be a life long one. I hope that hers will only be that one battle. Either way, I'm making sure that she and I have the weapons we need to fight it, and I hoped that by posting my entry on suicide, someone else might find themselves in a stronger position as well.

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suicide, depression, writing